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TRADES & HARDCOVERS
Alan Moore Complete Future Shock
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MARVEL PREVIEWS July 2006
PREVIEWS July 2006
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DC New Frontier Series 1
...this one will probably make Matt Streets cry...
So there's these two guys,
BROWER. And they talk about a comic book you just
bought and read last week. Only, you won't know if you like it or not
until they tell you. Let me give you a hint for this week: You won't like
PATRICK: What the heck, W.
Dal? I already typed the entire Grahamtagonism by myself. Where were you? Oh, I
must have gone soooo fast you missed it!
W. DAL: Typing a whole Grahamtagonism by
yourself... who does THAT? Crazy people? Lonely people? Egotistical people?
Naperville people? Fastest people alive?
PATRICK: Counter-Fastest people alive?
W. DAL: Vroom. Ert! Not so fast, Fasty McRunsalot!
We've got a book to discuss, and unfortunately, this week it's Flash: The
Fastest Man Alive. Sorry.
PATRICK: Aw, geeez! Are you just getting back at me
for ditching you the last 2 weeks? I'm sorry already! It was all work related!
Don't make me discuss Flash!
W. DAL: Too late! DC made this bed, and now we have
to spoon in it. And Sweet Illuminated Infantino did they leave us an ugly, ugly
PATRICK: Seriously, like Fallon at Wizard World
Philly, I'd rather just sleep on the floor.
PATRICK: So much for a return to greatness! So much
for a riveting #1 issue that hooks you, reels you in and leaves you begging for
PATRICK: After the events of Infinite Crisis, Bart Allen was once again
aged, this time 4 years to age 20, and he was de-powered. Wally West is just
gone. Barry Allen is still dead. Johnny Quick? Max Mercury? Forget 'em both.
Only Jay Garrick has the speed and even he is no longer connected to the Speed
Force. The Speed Force as we know it no longer exists.
PATRICK: So in Flash #1, 1 Year Later, a 20-year old Bart Allen is
de-powered. Wally West is just gone. Barry Allen is still dead. Johnny Quick?
Max Mercury? Still forgotten. Only Jay Garrick has the speed and even he is no
longer connected to the Speed Force. The Speed Force as we know it no longer
PATRICK: Huh. Reallly hooks ya, don't it?
W. DAL: Yeah. I'm sorry, did you say "bores the
Speed Force out of you" or "hooks"? 'Cause... yikes. It's not like Flash was a
book that had a lot of goodwill left to spend. After the brilliant Johns run, DC
fleeced the remaining fans with a horrific 3-issue stint by superstar EDITOR
Joey Cavalieiri! WHOO! Man, I can't imagine how DC followed him! What's bigger
than a DC EDITOR? Only one thing, baby! The producing team that brought you a TV
series from over 10 years ago! Awesome!
W. DAL: AND they did "Viper"? How does DC keep making these A-list deals?
W. DAL: BUT WAIT!
W. DAL: Let's pair them up with... wait for it... wait for it... oh man
is Marvel going to be jealous.... KEN! LASHLEY! Take that, Joe Mad and Ed
McGuiness! SUPER BURN!
PATRICK: Hey, for once you didn't burn Jimmy,
yourself or me. Nice.
PATRICK: But yeah, nothing, nothing, nothing about this book: 1) Makes me
want more. 2) Rings true to the previously established personalities of the
characters involved. 3) Justifies ANY type of push or hype surrounding it.
PATRICK: I love it when a brand new #1 needs a team of inkers to come out
a week late.
W. DAL: And a colorist who clearly wants to be
drawing the book herself. Atrocious. She is to colorists what Klaus Janson is to
inkers. Not that Ken Lashley is really any good (see 52 #7 for further proof,
kids) but no one deserves to have their work smothered like this. Look at those
opening pages! What possessed DC to let this go out the door? Is editor Joan
Hilty working undercover for Marvel or is she trying to kill me?
PATRICK: I heard that if you hold pages #2 & #3
open to direct sunlight and spin them around profusely, small children in Japan
W. DAL: Those lucky Japanese kids. They don't have
to keep reading it, then.
W. DAL: I don't mean to be this negative. I mean, this isn't that badly
written. And art-wise, I can tell asses from elbows, so that works. But good
lord, is this so much worse than it should've been. This team is barely
competent enough to be doing a C-list book like a re-launch of "Dial H For
HERO," not one of DC's most recognizable icons. Is there seriously no one better
at DC to handle this? Who does their hiring, Satan? Why else would we be
punished like this?
PATRICK: Do you remember the press piece (see "IE")
for this book that said whoever is the Flash at the end of issue #1 is not who
the Flash will be? So, not Jay? This is a surprise? Is Bart supposed to be the
Flash? What? I so don't even care.
W. DAL: I hope they mean that the Flash comic won't
be bad in issue two. Much like an episode of Grahamtagonism, they don't have a
whole lot of time to make it good...
PATRICK: Remember Tina McGee from S.T.A.R. Labs?
Sure ya do, she's from that awesome TV show! Well kids, here she is again... in
passing... looking completely different than she used to.
PATRICK: Where's the wacky Rasta sidekick? Can't remember his name
because I've blocked it from my memory. Bet ya the first villain is the
PATRICK: And what a wonderful character Bart's new roommate is. Not a
cliché AT ALL!
W. DAL: There's just nothing about this creative
team that makes any sense! "Hey, let's get the guys who did the TV show to write
it! That'll make fans happy!" Why would it? What Flash fan looks at the TV show
as the definitive version of that character? It was lousy! Jesus, if a tangental
relationship to the Flash property is all it takes, why not get Amanda Pays to
write it? She played Dr. McGee AND she works cheap, which feels like a
prerequisite for this comic...
W. DAL: Wait. Maybe that's it.
PATRICK: What, Heinberg and Dodson took all their
bankroll for re-launches?
W. DAL: Maybe DC refused to bring the Flash comic
back unless it could be produced for under $100. Then the hiring makes PERFECT
sense! We did it! We figured it out!
PATRICK: Whoo hoo! Maybe if we agree to not tell
anyone, WE'LL get a new #1 as well!
PATRICK: AZTEK, here we come!!!
W. DAL: Sweet! Alright, before start our pitch for
that, let's wrap up this pile from DC. Final score?
5 Grahams because it didn't explode in my face and I had somewhere to put my gum
when I was finished chewing it. And because the lettering was fine.
4 Grahams for being not just bad, but BAFFLINGLY bad. Like someone had to work
at it being this bad.
W. DAL: Ah, well. If we could get past Brian Augustyn on the Flash (The
mystery Flash was Wally... from five minutes in the future. With a scar. Yes,
really) then I guess we can get past this. Hopefully. Maybe DC will sink into
the ground and a better editor will put out something worth reading. What do you
think, too negative?
PATRICK: Can you be too negative? If everyone is
always positive we'll get stuck with more crap like Flash The Fastest Man Alive.
Can we review Moon Knight #3 next week? You know a non-top tier character by
creators famous for another media? Only it's really good?
W. DAL: Christ, yes please. That's what's so weird.
Moon Knight did almost the same thing that Flash did: a writer (or writers) that
hadn't done comics getting a big launch. But Moon Knight is PHENOMENAL, while
Flash... not so much. How does Marvel do it? Oh, I know. They probably read
something from Charlie Huston. Maybe if DC had done that with Bilson and DeMeo...
W. DAL: Oh, my God. We'll be talking about this all week. Come back next
week for reviews of, most likely, the 3 dozen Civil War tie-ins coming out. And
none of them feature work by the Flash "creative" team! Woo hoo!
MOON KNIGHT #3
So Freakin' Good!
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