Feeling Fatigued? by Shawn Spurlock

March 8, 2022 Articles

It’s that time of year. As Summer begins to loom closer, now is an excellent opportunity to take a few moments and perform a simple self-examination.  Taking the time to do this quick evaluation is of utmost importance, as catching this kind of thing early on is always preferable to waiting until it’s too late. You may not even know you have a problem, which is why we recommend that everybody asks themselves a few questions, if not for yourself, then for your loved ones. Answer as honestly as you can, because everyone knows that lies smell like farts in cars. Let’s proceed, shall we?

  1. Do you often find yourself avoiding bright colors?
  2. Do you find that your voice tends to drop one or more octaves when asking important questions, regardless of whether or not you’re under duress?
  3. Have you or others noticed that you’re adopting more wards recently?
  4. Do you think of your regular winter coat as your “Arctic Suit”?
  5. Do you have a propensity for placing your first name in front of nouns, i.e., having a canine referred to as the “Shawnhound”.
  6. Do you find yourself being a member of the DC editorial staff?
  7. Do you find yourself thinking of people with abnormally pointy ears as somewhat more attractive?
  8. Do you find yourself frequently wondering where Rachael is?
  9. Do you harbor a secret desire to have your nipples on the outside of your clothes?
  10. Do you find yourself pestering the help for medical assistance?

If you’ve answered yes to EVEN ONE of these questions, you almost certainly have Batlassitude. Don’t worry, it’s an affliction that may be difficult to live with, but entirely possible to control. Most importantly, it isn’t your fault! Some people are born with a special genetic disposition, they can’t hold their Batman. Sure, their friends may be able to have a “little Batman”, but they just can’t stop. It’s not their nature.

 

The Comic Magazine Industrial Complex hasn’t helped these poor souls, either. They keep on pushing the Batman as the authorities turn a blind eye to the relentlessly spewing pipeline! Clearly, nobody’s thinking of the children! At least not since 1966! It’s time for a change. Don’t you want your life back? Well, now you can have it!

 

It’s time to ask your physician about BrooseAWAYn, the new Batpetite suppressant from the fine people at Shawnannigans Labs!  Imagine a medical miracle that can change your life! Nightwing may be as good as mediocre Molly, but you’ll be able to resist with BrooseAWAYn! Desperate to shake that case of Urban Legends that’s been hanging on and on? No problemo! Ever found yourself cold and sweating, lying awake at the Hour of the Wolf, wondering why you had to read a comic the literally had the words Audio Adventures on the cover? Those days are gone, my friend.  Put your future in your own hands, not in the hands of sinister DC Editors. Let the sunshine back into your life, take BrooseAWAYn, and take a break from Batman*

 

*Possible side effects may include that missing out you are so deathly afraid of actually happening, leaving you with an unfillable hole in your soul, destined to be nothing more than an unfortunate and incomplete person, never to feel the comfort of becoming an entirely self-actualized being. Also, your lies may smell like farts.

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